Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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