We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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