Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
