I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Randomize
