So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
