you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
