I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
BRING THE BAGELS
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
