Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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