im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
