Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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