Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
it's like heaven, but drunker
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
This toilet bowl is my home.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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