im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
