Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
