1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i've created a new STD.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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