I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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