I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
