I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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