So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
