I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
