My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
