You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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