That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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