Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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