I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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