I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
