She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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