It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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