I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
