I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Pants are for mortals
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
