I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
