true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
We got so high we made milksteak
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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