They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
