and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
