she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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