Having a random hookup so left but love u
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
