you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
