I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
