We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
