I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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