I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
