When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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