I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I have tasted many bathrooms
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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