There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
