Three words: puerto rican gang bang
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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