walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
porn star boner night. come get it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
