Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
