I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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