How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
