i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
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