Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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